I’m going to start here just in case someone is trying to figure out how to stay in an abusive relationship.

If you are being abused, couples counseling will not help you.

Trying harder will not help you.

Staying silent will not protect you.

The only way to stop abuse is to leave and for both parties to get professional help. Sadly, this takes a really, really long time to do. And, honestly, it’s hard work and most people don’t want to work hard to do the right thing. We all want it to be easy and black and white. But, it’s not.

You will hear a few things, none of them really helpful for survivors:

“I can’t believe you stayed as long as you did.” They are applauding your bravery, validating your pain, and probably wish you would have left the minute you realized it was, in fact, abuse. If this person has always been in your corner and for you… keep them.

Or saying, “They love you so much.” This is easy to say from the outside looking in, but love isn’t enough to heal trauma. This is someone else making assumptions by saying your person loves you SO much and if you could just be grateful for what you do have. You would be happier.

“I don’t think what happened to you was that bad.” (I think it’s all in your head and Imma talk really bad about you and trash your name and call it a prayer request.) This is the one that really hurts, especially when it comes from someone in your faith community.

“You’re being dramatic.” You’re the girl or boy that cried wolf. (This invalidates and dehumanizes victims to the point that you will be the last person they call for help when they need it the most. I get that pain makes you uncomfortable, but please try to be uncomfortable and be a safe person for someone who really needs one.

It’s hard to give good advice when you haven’t experienced this, or aren’t a trained professional. We all get that. So, go with what you are good at. What can you do right now to show up for this person? Food. Money. A safe place. A shoulder to cry on that listens without feeling like they have to say the right thing. Resources. Counseling. Help with financial planning. Connecting them with friends that might be able to provide a service for them or help in a tangible way.

If your abuser plays the victim and tells you that the abuse was your fault, your relationship will not survive. They didn’t feel loved by you. They were desperate to be loved by you and that’s why they did the horrible things that wounded and traumatized you. You made them do it. Uh, no. This is unacceptable and the BIGGEST RED FLAG.

Blame shifting instead of real repentance and coming clean with the people in your life will not mend the relationship. It only delays healing from trauma and further delays restoration/redemption for the abuser. You can’t conquer what you refuse to confront.

Abuse is not a marriage problem, it’s a problem within the individual.

Staying in an abusive relationship is a trauma response. Fight or flight didn’t work the first one hundred times they tried to ask for help. So, it’s “the freeze” and shutdown response where a person becomes the shell of the person they were before.

If the brave response to the bad behavior and abuse becomes the offense… you will never feel safe in that system. Ever.

No one should ever feel shame when they remove themselves from toxic environments that do not hold the abuser accountable.

I don’t care how “sorry” they are or how changed they seem. They need intense therapy from someone trained in that specific field and they probably will for the rest of their lives. You can’t heal from something you refuse to face or own… or repent from. It can be so confusing because remorse isn’t a substitute for repentance.

You aren’t a grace agent by restoring them before there has been sufficient time for real change and repentance to take place. You’re an accomplice. (I know, harsh, right? Unfollow if you must.)

I pray sooner rather than later Anna Duggar will break away from a family that covered up sin and a system that is abusive. They treated their own daughters like throw-away souls and objects for their son’s pleasure and placed shame upon them that never belonged to them. I can’t speak for her, but my gut feeling is that Anna was abused in the worst way by her husband. Every dark thought was directed at her and acted out on her… and nothing she could do would EVER fix him or keep him from looking at pornography or being the predator that he is. Nothing. Leave her alone or provide a getaway car and a safe place to go until she figures out what is next. The Duggers had time to do the right thing by the young women in their lives and they didn’t. Now it’s too late to be the support Anna and her young family needs.

I wonder what would have happened if they would have protected their young daughters (and other family members) instead of covering up the darkness and perversion that began in THEIR home? What would have happened if they would have held their son accountable the second he started abusing his siblings? The hope of HIS future and HIS legacy was not more important than their daughters, or anyone else’s children.

I wonder what would have happened if his sisters, or mother, would have pulled Anna close during their controlled courtship and whispered, “Run. Purity culture can’t save you from a sin problem where women are throw-away souls and reduced to baby-makers and abuse-takers. Submission won’t save you. Having more sex with someone addicted to pornography won’t save you. Jesus will never ask you to take abuse or carry the shame of someone else’s dark secrets. Your innocence is worth protecting.”

Obviously, that didn’t happen.

People in captivity can’t lead others to freedom.

Covering up someone else’s sin will never ever make you a good shepherd in your home or in whatever office you want to hold. It makes you complicit and unfit. And, lying under oath doesn’t make you a good father, it makes you a really bad one. Once again, he dehumanized HIS DAUGHTERS and dismissed their pain hoping for a lesser sentence for his son. They will never be able to get over that. Ever. Trauma isn’t something you can forgive. You can forgive and release them, but trauma is something you have to WORK through to actually heal. And, healing will never be fast enough to make someone feel better for the wrong they caused. It will take time, so let it. If someone isn’t owning their part, forgiveness isn’t the issue. Being delusional is. A trauma survivor cannot fix that nor is it their responsibility to make it easier on the person who hurt them. (I said what I said.)

I know someone reading this might feel like it’s up to them to save someone who is hurting them. I see you and I wish I could protect you, but when you are ready… you can protect yourself. Only you can leave a broken system, no one can do that for us.

Taking abuse and staying silent doesn’t make you more spiritual or holy. It only leads you to experience dark depression, anxiety, and often suicidal thoughts because your body and mind can only take so much trauma. Death seems so much easier than driving away and fighting for yourself. DRIVE AWAY ANYWAY. The further you get from what was breaking you, the more your body will FREAK out when you try to return to it.

If they made you feel like the abuse was your fault, there is zero hope for your relationship.

The abuser needs to be held accountable. Full stop. The victim needs support, therapy, and to be in a safe environment to heal. And for Anna Duggar, that safe environment needs to be with a family or in an environment that does not normalize abuse by protecting and enabling predators. It’s not submissive to stay in the cesspool of so-called purity culture.

I pray for all the ones staying in something that is not God’s best for you. He actually loves you and wants you to be whole, not continually hurting. He also wants that for the person that harmed you. Just know that their salvation or redemption isn’t your responsibility. It’s theirs, beloved.

Please reach out to a safe person and don’t go through this alone. It’s impossible to face this without a support system. And, it’s impossible to face this if you are too ashamed to talk about it.

I love you. I believe you. I am praying for you.

Love,

Jennifer Renee