I’m a big fan of therapy and working through issues with a trained professional. I believe avoiding counseling, or acknowledging that we all need to heal from something, will only leave us stagnant and lead to more problems later. On Wednesday, I went to counseling with a clear head about what I needed help with. I dive head-first with soul work: Here’s what led me here, and this is the information I couldn’t share last time because I was numb.

By the end of our session that she extended for me, I had my first experience with EMDR. (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.) I texted my best friend, a soon-to-be therapist, to ask her questions for free. Like, what in the world just happened? So. Many. Questions. Here is what I know, therapists only use EMDR for working with trauma. Not in the casual way we throw that word around and call every disappointment in life trauma. It’s actually diagnosable trauma. It really is that bad.

Here’s a quick definition. I’ll add a link at the end if you want to learn more. This post is already too long:

“Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy, people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal. EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma.”

A little over a year ago, I didn’t want to live anymore because we signed up a few more years serving while living a lifestyle that was unhealthy. I have always been able to find joy during hard times so that was NOT normal for me. But that was the wake-up call I needed. I wrote about this briefly here. Honestly, it was easier to downplay the damage because real change is hard. We hear invalidating phrases and wrestle inwardly thinking it’s all our fault.

Oh, she’s just being overly sensitive. It wasn’t that bad.

She’s using trigger words that exaggerate her pain and would be offensive to real trauma survivors. (Insert trash-talking and gossip here.)

I can’t believe she is doing this… how could she? (Insert blame-shifting where the wounded person is now the villain in someone else’s story for choosing self-protection against being a sacrificial lamb or collateral damage.)

Oh, they’ve always been a little aloof because of social anxiety. Sometimes, a person has social anxiety when they are around certain people, but not all the time. It’s the side-effect of something and how our bodies respond to it. Our role in helping others feel safe is vital. This looks like inviting the shy girl to the lunch table instead of watching her eat alone. It looks like dancing with the awkward boy and making the first move. It’s mitigating the risk by removing the fear of rejection. Thus, being a safe place.

Most people have a desire to learn how to love people better and bridge the gap when there is a fracture in a relationship. They’re not offended when someone challenges them to rethink their approach to becoming what I call good “emotional support humans.” They are eager students willing to push selfishness aside to meet others where they are now, instead of where they think they should be. There’s no magic eraser for word vomit or mistakes.

It’s selfish to be offended when our actions are the reason why we are the antagonist in someone’s narrative. We don’t get to reframe their pain to make ourselves feel better because it’s not about us. It’s important to make a course correction when the old way is ineffective in cultivating closeness in relationships and damaging.

No one has good boundaries in this overly connected, crowded, media-driven, available 24/7 life. Pacing yourself and pulling back isn’t rude, it’s practicing self-care and taking care of our temple because it’s the only one we have. Boundaries are preventative medicine when you take care of yourself and pay attention to the warning signs in your physical and mental health. The goal isn’t a breakdown, y’all. The goal is rebuilding a life you don’t have to hide from because your lifestyle is about longevity, not burnout. It’s only a slow burn if it’s happening to someone else. For you, it’s a disaster, not a way of doing life. Like a wise man said yesterday, “You can’t bring a box of bandaids to the morgue.” {Insert slow clap.}

Here is what you need to know about your part in this.

When someone is recovering from trauma or addiction, their healing journey is not about you. Full stop. Their job isn’t to comfort you during their time of need and soul sabbath. The advice from professionals is that our only job is to heal. Not making sure everyone else is okay while we bleed out. This is especially hard for women and people who are compassionate and empathetic.

I had my first experience with EMDR and not my last. I feel so hopeful and know God is with me. I’m starting a new season with a new job, I can share more about that later but it’s so in my wheelhouse it feels dreamy.

I’m going to be better than okay and I couldn’t be happier that I will use every ounce of this experience to help others one day. I’ve always wanted to say this even though no one cares, “We would appreciate privacy at this time… “

I can’t even finish it because I’m ridiculous and love that about myself. So I’ll say what I really want to say to errrrrybody working the rumor mill and blowing up the notifications on my phone.

“I would appreciate privacy and an uncrowded life at this time while I work on and take care of our business that’s, well, none of your business. Love you, mean it.”

And, for the ones in recovery and being brave and honest about it, uninvite anyone who doesn’t feel safe right now. Your only job is to heal. And, to heal you have to make your circle smaller and let people take care of you now. No one can do this but you. Walk it out with Jesus, professionals, and your ride or die tribe because they are SAFE. For right now, this is about your healing and your health. You can’t heal in the place that broke you. Trust me, I tried and begged for help. Sometimes you have to rescue yourself. Then you take it one day at a time as you take the next hard step toward healing.

You’re going to be better than okay. You can do this. I love you something fierce,

Jennifer Renee

You can read more about EMDR here: https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/