There was a situation where a woman approached another woman wanting answers. The problem was she was speaking to the wrong person to get those answers. The question seemed to have an element of shame, whether intentional or not. The person being asked shouldered it beautifully and graciously because she knew this person’s heart, and her heart was pure.

What did your parents think about your divorce?

I mean, that’s a loaded question, right? And then they spoke of their pain, not thinking of the person’s pain right before them and the hours spent in trauma therapy.

Trauma girl stood there looking like a deer-in-headlights, answering vaguely because she didn’t want to defend or redirect any of the shame.

(I know, we love her, right? Or, I know, we should be so pissed at all the people depending on which side you want to pick. But don’t. I’m not writing this for anyone to pick sides. THE ONLY SIDE IS SAFETY. The most important thing is learning how to talk about complex topics like this.)

Whether you find her lacking a backbone or whatever, she did this because she would never want to hurt another soul. But we are all the villains in someone else’s story, and that’s not our business either. We don’t get to tell someone else we didn’t hurt them.

But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do when it comes to finding your way back home and being okay.

At that moment when she was cornered, she’s not asking for you to believe her because you don’t already.

Someone actively working on healing can be okay enough with a person who doesn’t have all the facts and who might want them to be the bad guy.

My hot take: If they didn’t check on this person, ever, when they were hurting and lost…it’s none of their business. And I mean this in the nicest, most sarcastic way possible. You don’t get insider details.

As the story progressed, this well-intentioned, beautiful soul asked this question directly to the parent.

Dun. dun. dunnnnnn. Cue the horror music but make it short.

The damage caused when a relationship fractures will always spread wide. This is the hard truth, it doesn’t just affect two people. It wrecks many. But only two are responsible for fixing it. Periodt.

Thankfully, this parent met her question graciously, with the same deer-in-headlights look on their face. But typically she’s going to bite someone’s head off if they mess with her baby. She was prayed up that day and busy. Whew.

But here’s where the parent and grownup child’s story intersect like they often do when abuse is involved:

A mother leaves an abusive relationship with no one to turn to. She has a little girl in the car. She drives off, later to be found, and has to pay for the consequences of her decision for safety. And she feels like she’s going straight to hell, and she deserves to be there. Upon arrival, she is met with more abuse and gaslighting, but always love-bombing first — the narcissistic gambit of arsenal that is terribly effective when the promises sound pretty. He’s not all bad. He’s not all good. Until it’s all bad, and there’s ZERO good. But she is so broken she thinks the abuse is HER fault.

Her pastor told her to pray harder and go back because he could tell that her husband was a changed man. Submit more, have more sex, but what was she supposed to do when he beat her? There was ZERO proof of genuine repentance, accountability, rehabilitation, or any amount of time to verify this woman AND HER CHILDREN were safe. Because she wasn’t, and they weren’t. This woman can flashback to the 70s and now say she knows neither her husband. nor her pastor’s advice to go back was safe at the time.

But she STILL goes back. It’s the back-handed relational and religious trauma that drives her back to a place that can never be home if it can’t be safe.

“On average, it takes a woman 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship for good.” Jane Clayborne, director of community relations at The James House shelter for victims of domestic violence.

Seven. Go ahead and talk about how weak they are, but these are the facts that every abused woman and man wishes weren’t true. They are the only ones who can rescue themselves, but they will need help not opinions.

Then once upon a time, when she leaves again, she has two children in the backseat. With Fleetwood Mac music in the background, she drives away and she’s still afraid of changing but builds her life around two littles in her backseat. And burns the dang fairytale down, and the bruises fade eventually but lifelong trauma does other things to her body still.

This woman shatters statistics because the second time she leaves, SHE GONE.

Then she slowly rebuilds a life where peace can be found for herself and her children. And eventually, she meets a man, he falls in love with her first and then her beautiful girls. I’d say they are all madly in love with each other after all these years. They drive nicer cars and have a beautiful place where their grandkids can run wild.

One day I hope she will say, “It wasn’t my fault.” I don’t think she has yet.

She is brave now and a prayer warrior. She is beautiful and brilliant. She is equally breathtaking as she is terrifying when she is MAD and right about something. She’s going to let you know all about it because at one time, when she talked back, she was hit so many times she lost herself entirely.

The ones who cut their teeth on Tina Turner and Sandi Patty music know how to take the hits and minimize risk with a smile on their face and their hands raised, singing some hallelujahs. But when no one is riding shotgun, Tina is on blast and sings her back to strength again. And she is mad, but Tina doesn’t tell her not to be.

It’s one thing to grow up in a “broken home,” or that’s what they call children who are the products of divorce, who are now safe. FINALLY.

What they don’t tell these brave kiddos is that they will be very abuse/mistreatment tolerant. They will want to be good little kids who do the right thing all the time, even if that means that so many wrong things are happening to them. They will ask themselves the same dang question, is this my fault? How could I be better and easier to love? And they are the ones who love freely and wildly. And you’re lucky if you get to be loved by them.

As I write this, thinking about these women and all the ones connected to their survivor stories, I can only sum it up this way:

Good, godly men and women don’t just leave… they are fleeing from something that is causing them harm. Let them. Because if you are not part of the solution, you’re a roadblock of shame.

Flee on, my brothers and sisters. We are ALL healing together, and it’s still none of their biz. You don’t have to justify or defend yourself right now, your only job right now is finding a safe place and beginning the LONG, freaking-hard healing process.

If you’re reading this and something within you resonates with the lostness that comes when you think your life requires a different version of you, the one who accepts mistreatment, pretending that it’s okay. If you’ve lost your spark, my second book is for you. It’s the hardest and best thing I’ve ever, ever written. I will try to share more here when I can, but life is a lot right now for all of us.

If the life you knew before wasn’t as hard as it is now, or you feel like the lost girl or guy doing the walk of shame trying to find your way home, I get you.

If your depression is darker and your anxiousness is all-consuming—you are not alone. If you feel like it takes longer to bounce back, you’re not broken beyond repair. Your body is asking that you pay attention and act on what you learn. If what was once infrequent sadness has now become your norm, and as you read this, you feel a little less alone and yet still achingly lost… let’s go find you.