I thought I would wait to share all of this in the book I’m currently writing, but a new More Than Small Talk episode on burnout is streaming now. It’s worth listening to if you haven’t already.

The burnout I mentioned in the podcast was so intense and different from anything I had experienced before. I’m sharing about this because lives are hanging in the balance. I believe there is a way to find a healthy balance before it’s too late.

There is a tragic hush from leaders, they are too afraid to tell you the whole truth about mental anguish, a side-effect of leadership of any kind. Some people who were brave enough to ask for help didn’t get it. They needed trained professionals to help aid the healing process. They needed a break, to focus on healing themselves and their closest relationships. They needed counseling or a career change, sometimes both. Some needed antidepressants and therapy in the process of healing.

After the Meghan Markle and Prince Harry interview, I experienced a wave of emotions as I identified with her brave choice to talk about her mental health. I’m thankful that my thoughts weren’t persistent, or on replay inside my head. It just took one terrifying thought to stop me in my tracks. As she said these words: 

“I just didn’t want to be here anymore… I didn’t want to live anymore.”

“I knew if I didn’t say it… then I would do it.”

Meaning, if she concealed her thoughts, then she would find a way to carry them out.

I leaned forward and said, she just helped people all over the world and made them feel less alone. As she and her husband spoke of the shame attached to admitting they needed help, I knew it was the number one reason many will not admit how serious their mental health struggles are. While others call her difficult and disrespectful to an institution, I am in awe of how her husband protected her and left everything because she was more important than duty or titles. She was the dang job. She wasn’t a burden, she just needed help to carry hers. His mental anguish was the fear that history would repeat itself; the trauma he had already faced and carried into adulthood.

After the interview, the internet blew up. But what you didn’t get to read was a massive raising of hands all across the globe from people asking, “Did anyone feel the same way as Meghan did? That trapped feeling when no one will protect you, your spouse, and your children. If you don’t do exactly what they want, they turn on you. Later, refusing your request for mental help…”

What I hate to tell you more than anything is the comments I read came from leaders in the church. I can’t even type that without crying.

It’s easier to call someone crazy instead of admitting that you drove her there. It’s easier to call her broken than correct what broke her. Pony up, anyway.

The responses in this group fueled my passion for talking about mental health and our faith. Here’s the hardest thing to share…

A long time ago, we were voted in for another three-year term in ministry. Honestly, the past three years had been horrible. I had even sent out a resume six months before the vote hoping to jump ship before another vote. Driving home that evening after picking up food, many were celebrating and happy for us. But, I wasn’t.

As I drove home alone with food for my family, I had this thought: I would rather ram my car into a tree than serve three more years. I have never, ever had thoughts like that. Ever. But that day, one passing thought terrified me. I didn’t go through with it because, you know, moms have to feed their children and it would be a horrible waste of perfectly good pizza and a paid-off Prius. Not to mention my life had worth and value, nothing was going to take that from me.  

I knew I needed to tell someone immediately what ran through my mind in a split second, so I did. But they did nothing. So, maybe they didn’t actually think I was in a dark place to that extent, or would ever follow through on it.

But, what I needed to hear was this:

What can we do to make sure you never feel that way again?

What I needed was:

I had no idea you were hurting like this, you’re more important than ____________. 

What do you need from me right now?

I didn’t need to hear a defensive comment or accusatory question, “Well, maybe you should be in an institution,” or “Where is your faith?”

I mean, what I really needed to hear was… Is there a class I can take to become a better emotional support human?

I told a few close friends and promised I would never put myself in that position again. They knew me and what I was going through. Instead of asking if I was crazy; they told me how proud they were of me for stepping back and leaving upfront roles. They encouraged me to keep setting boundaries and taking time to heal… and said it was time to put a stop to abuse or toxicity. So, I did. That was super fun.

Last year gave me time to breathe. Reevaluate what I wanted the next half of my life to look like. Before that, I chose my health over making people happy. My health improved and I was happier. What I thought was an end to ministry was really an open door to a much better path for me. Our podcast was taking off like crazy and we were reaching more people. It wasn’t anything special we were doing other than being obedient to Jesus and talking about real issues with raw honesty.

When others tie your hands and downplay your gifts, God redeems closed doors and deep wounds with a greater assignment and anointing that heals not just your hurt, but the hurt of others. But, you have to heal first.

We aren’t sidelined, honey, we are being sent out. God directs us and gives us two feet capable of walking away from toxic things. 

While others criticize Prince Harry and Meghan, I applaud them. We need to normalize walking away from anything that makes us forget who we are and convinces us that the false narrative is actually true—it would be easier if I didn’t have to live in this. I’m the problem. The answer is never taking your life, it’s finding one that works for you. It’s getting the heck out of dodge, it’s calling someone out and telling them you can’t be their pretty punching bag.

Normalize this—you don’t have to stay in a bad situation. If you ask for help and they won’t give it to you or protect you, you can leave and go somewhere to heal.

The burnout is brutal. It’s not holy. It’s not God’s way. It’s not spirit-led. It’s a tool the enemy uses when we are at our weakest.

If anyone in your home feels less important than a position you hold. You might end up losing both. The real job is our family’s well-being.

If you feel burnout, please know that the warning light is telling you to change something now.

When you feel like giving up and quitting, rest. 

If you are in an abusive environment, run.  

 I feel like I can breathe again and I’m taking care of myself. Jesus sacrificed his life so that we wouldn’t have to.

Normalize walking away when the expiration date on an assignment tells you it’s time for a move. Normalize saying no and taking care of your “temple” because it’s the only one you’ve got.

*None of what I wrote is for personal sympathy. It’s to remove the shame someone feels reading this, ready to make an appointment with their doctor or therapist. It’s for the person who trusts you enough to admit they need help so you’ll know what not to say and how to be uncomfortable walking with someone through a dark season. Be a good emotional support human. Be brave and ask for help. Be brave and leave. Goodness, it feels amazing when you do.

Much Love,

Jennifer Renee

You can listen to our latest episode of MTST here!