There’s a quote that I love that says, “Your struggle isn’t your identity.” It’s easy to say a big amen to this without taking this all the way into the redemptive part of your story that’s waiting for you. We sit in our shame because it’s familiar and we feel we deserve it. If our struggles are not our identity, we have to go to war with the false narrative in our heads and unravel shame from our stories.
Shame stunts spiritual and emotional growth. Shame is not the Holy Spirit, nor should it be the tone we take with someone in the trenches with their struggles. To heal from the inside out, shame can no longer be the narrator in our struggle story. Shame says, “Look what you’ve done!” or, “What did you do to deserve this affliction?”Healing says, “Baby, look at what all you’ve had to overcome! That was hard work.”
Jesus had an encounter with the woman at the well, who was hiding out in the heat of the day to draw water and get what she needed without the whispers and judgment. (John 4) Jesus asks her for a drink of water that he needed because he knows that with his help, broken people still have something to offer and value. It was her status as a Samaritan that made her feel unworthy. But, I wonder if the shame-filled part of her story was another reason why she assumed Jesus wouldn’t want water from her. His response was:
“If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he WOULD have given you living water.” (vs. 10)
Again, that idea that the gift of God and real love would be given, where her needs are met with an endless supply, was a really hard concept for a woman who was objectified by the men in her life that she loved. Her shame story was the supply and demand status where a woman was thrown away and discarded if she isn’t pleasing, leaving her more broken and denied of worth. Jesus tells her that his love-water quenches every thirst and will supply what she needs in her soul.
But, all this woman had experienced so far was a pseudo-love where she was the supply and demand … until she was used up with deeper faultlines in her brokenness. Five “lovers” and takers, who discarded her like a piece of trash. And, the sixth man would do the same thing to his object that should have been his treasure. REAL love is cultivated and sacrificial, not transactional. The end of their encounter was the end of shame narrating her story.
In a similar encounter, the woman caught in the act, she heard “Where are your accusers and those who wanted to condemn you?” They were called out for their hidden shame and sin and Jesus declares … neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more. (John 8:11)
The end of their encounter was the end of shame and condemnation narrating her story. Redemption was the narrator of her story now. None of us are without blemish, but Jesus told these women to move on from shame dictating their stories from that point on. His approach was grace upon grace, not shame upon shame. His voice was the shame detangler, “Go and sin no more,” not go back to what broke you.
Lean in because I want you to get this, remove yourself from a life of shame … rather than returning to what broke you and the time in your life where shame took the lead role in your story.
If we want to heal, shame and self-inflicting wounds that says, “you deserve” what broke you has to be uprooted and replaced with redemption that is a done-deal and paid for in full.
Broken people who make mistakes can still run towards the fire to offer water to someone who needs it. Shame stunts, but grace is the most beautiful eraser. You’re not an object. You’re not the darkest part of your story. You aren’t your failed relationships or deserving of abuse. You are not the sum of your mess, missteps, addictions, or mistakes passed down from generations to you. You are not called to carry shame. You are a worthy, water-carrier. You’re a, “Look what God did in my story” messenger. And, because your shame is no longer center-stage, your story will be a healing salve and inspiration for others. Struggle forward, loves.
Shame has been canceled. Fighting with you, Jennifer Renee