I think once you reach a certain age; you log a few hours looking back over your life. Memories resurface and you have to figure out what to do with those remembering moments. You glance back as your life becomes a serious of flashbacks and sometimes when old wounds reopen you linger there for a while. Sure, regrets will surface. If you don’t have any regrets, I fear you never fully lived. You couldn’t have, you walked the people-pleasing tightrope instead.
Wearing young skin so many questions tease and taunt you. Who am I supposed to become to have you love all of me? But even deeper, will I like who I have become if I bend and bow to what you think I should be? It becomes the wild chase, a snipe hunt trying to capture something that doesn’t really exist.
It all bubbles and spills over. The mistakes, the insecurities, the pressure you felt, the love you walked away from certain you didn’t deserve love like that. Sweet and pure, deep and tangled up with another human just as flawed as you. You can’t remember all the details; you just remember liking who you were when you hung out with another soul desperately in love with you. The real you. The version of yourself that was always enough. But, even better, the version of yourself that was everything they needed. They needed and loved the real you. They saw in you the things you were too insecure to see.
Thinking about the young person you used to be becomes a rite of passage. We look back only to move forward making peace with the moments that helped to shape us but still hellishly hurt. We whisper, “Why on earth did I try so hard and waste so much time?” Why did I always feel like I had something to prove? You’ll wonder if you settled. You’ll mark important moments you shrunk back in fear of pressing ahead.
Most of the time we want to go back and tell that little girl a few important things to hold on to. Something to anchor her when she doubts herself and spends decades trying not to.
Today I will look back in the helps of helping you, college girl. Hoping to prepare you for the tender breaking of hearts, ideas, and wild dreams.
Beloved, it’s not your job to be everything to everyone and spend pieces of yourself hoping to earn love. To bend and morph into something far less than who you were meant to be in the name of belonging. When you whisper, “I am not enough,” know that every brave soul who paved the road before you felt the exact, aching thing. Fighting with and naming that insecurity is a rite of passage, too. You don’t get to skip that step; no one does.
I would tell you don’t have to be born into the “right” family to have a bright future. Well-read is just as valuable as well-bred. But, don’t you dare be ashamed of where you came from, those shared bloodlines and bonds are more important than predetermined shoulds. Who cares what other people think? You do. And, you will… until one day you don’t. You won’t care at all what anyone thinks. That’s what freedom looks like.
Be proud of where you were brought up and the house that held all your secrets. That’s your family. Your circus. Your monkeys. It’s home. Every family is somewhat dysfunctional, you just haven’t spent enough time with them to unmask what you think is the perfect family. Darling, there’s no such thing.
One day you’ll become the one who nurtures and the glue that holds your family together. You will realize your family was simply doing the best they could with what they had, so I’m sorry if you caught some of the shame that had someone else’s name on it. Let it go now and make your own mistakes and learn from them.
You are not doomed to repeat history, baby, you’re going to blaze a new trail.
Mistakes are part of this, college girl. Wrestling with new opportunities and trying to fit in will swallow you whole if you feel like a fraud in that beautiful skin you are in. If you feel that sinking feeling in your gut that something is off, trust that and go where the peace is. But, you can never run away from the real you. So, be nice to her. Make peace with her.
If you have to change every single thing about yourself and harbor hidden secrets because you are afraid you are unloveable as-is, run. I’m serious, run like your pants are on fire because that’s not love at all. It’s a noose of not enough, blend in, and make yourself smaller to make others comfortable. Heaven forbid you have your own thoughts and ideas. Those are not your people. Your people won’t ask you to be small, or set on the sidelines. They will be fiercely for you.
It’s not your job to make everyone happy. It’s not. If you and Jesus are good, then you’re good. Even when that means you are alone and the nice, church girl who was never invited to the parties. Throw your own party and invite all the outcasts. Make space and room for everyone and shine the light for them.
Never feel like chaos has to be your norm or allow toxic people to be your own personal cross to carry.
It’s not your job to be liked, most world-changers weren’t. You need to be okay with that.
Become the best friend you needed in grade school and I promise you will have lifelong friendships. Be prepared to give others room to fumble figuring out who they are. Risk closeness and welcome it and the hurt that comes with loving people who sometimes go about it all wrong. They will hurt you. I wish this part wasn’t true but, dear one, you will break a few hearts on this journey as well. Walking away knowing that you broke someone will break your heart and it take you a long, long time to recover. You’ll regret it later and that has to be okay, too.
You will outgrow people in your life and ache when there’s an expiration date on friendship- those blessings and lessons and the sticky-hot summer magic where you lived, played, and loved. Just love them well while you get the chance. Later those will become sweet memories.
Fall in love with learning and the reinvention of you. Because just when you think you are starting to figure things out life will change again and you either adjust or you sink, often times both. Don’t expect yourself to be beyond the season you are in. Sure, you might be mature for your age… but you still have to fumble and fail and try again. Always try again.
Their will come a time when you disappoint someone you love dearly because you no longer feel the need to please them. This is not done in rebellion, but you will figure out you don’t need their permission. It’s where bravery becomes your backbone and how grownups are made. They will hold on to what was with a death grip and you will be the one to teach them how to let go while reassuring them you’ll come back to them. Roots and wings and cutting apron strings. It’s all the painful and purposeful cutting, you’ll have to break away to become and sometimes you will hate adulting with a fiery passion. But you, lovely, are capable. Find the confidence that belongs to you unapologetically.
Say you’re sorry often because you will be. Wear out the words I love you and don’t hide the way you feel about someone. Never throw yourself away hoping to be loved in return. You are a treasure, treat yourself accordingly. Learn how to love yourself well and you will never settle for less.
Beautiful one, do yourself a favor and take perfection off the table now. You are treasured, loved, and enough. And, when you forget all this… I’ll be here to remind you. I’m proud of you already.
Much love, always and forever
JR
I’m not a college girl, but this was for me. Thank you.
I’m so glad this spoke to you! ♥️
My heart and spirit kept shouting, “Yes”, and “Amen”. I have many college girl friends that I am sharing this with. Praise God for freedom. I think I have only broken free from this in the last 5 years. I pray these sweet young ones will hear God’s voice and know His love in the words we share to them. Love you, Jennifer. You are a beautiful light in this world and I am thankful we have crossed paths. May everyone you touch know Jesus better because of the amazing things He has done and is doing in your life. Thank you for the confirmation today that I am not just being jerky by evaluating relationships and things that don’t encourage the girl God made me to be. Thank you for the freedom to truly embrace who I am and to keep following where the Spirit is leading, even if it means letting go and saying good-bye.