I always wondered what I would feel in that fragile place of goodbyes. At one time I was certain that I wouldn’t cry, I thought my heart would just sting and never stop. I’m happy to be wrong about that.
Growing up I was an over-achiever at covering up my broken girl status. You weren’t supposed to talk about things like divorce or about words that left marks on your heart. But I found a place where I could talk to someone who could mend the broken places inside of me. There I spilled out salty, one-worded prayers like “help” with my face pressed to the altar so hard that I would have fabric prints on my face afterwards. Later I would add five more words to my one-worded prayers “Help me let go of yesterday.” I knew if God could help me let go and keep my heart soft, then maybe I could change the world someday.
In the tender catch and release, I learned broken girls can mend beautifully by catching the messy things of life and releasing it quickly, and often, to the one who loves lavishly. I had this overwhelming sense that I was worth something more than the labels written with invisible ink across the map of my heart.
Broken girl
Broken home
Crybaby
Stupid.
Dreamer
Pleaser
Wall builder
Just another girl bound to be another sad statistic; lost in the cracks of searching for someone to whisper her life was worth so much more than a legacy of brokenness and torn relationships.
I thought if I was good enough and prayed hard enough, I could help save my dad. Or maybe just try to fix him. Gosh, I tried.
Memories sweep over me gently, almost cautiously, now that my daddy is gone. But, I still know after all these years whom I belong to and where the wrecked girls go to mend. Everyone keeps asking if I’m okay and if I have regrets. My badge of honor is this:
I have done all the hard work to be free, exchanging beauty for dirty ashes.
I forgave. I allowed myself to feel the weight of being thoroughly ticked off. I asked for forgiveness because I needed it too. I let God be my surgeon skillfully removing the things and thoughts that are destructive.
One by one, memory by memory, I let go to embrace a life unlabeled. I’m not a broken girl anymore, but I’m smart enough to know brokenness is sometimes the very best place to dwell. God is ever so near, just like he says in his word. The goal is not that I would remain unbroken; I don’t think it’s possible in this crazy world we live in. The goal is for me to be brave enough to be continually broken in all the right moments, and all the wrong ones, because God is near and my heart was fashioned to be needy of him. My story is unlabeled.
Psalms 34:17-19
Much love to you,
Jennifer Renee
I wrote this for the fab Suzie Eller for her one word #livefree series!
Reblogged this on Armor Of God Foundation and commented:
DID YOU KNOW
By the time you have finish reading this, 15 more children would have been abused, another 5 people would be victims of Human trafficking, in the next 5 minutes 10 more people will become victims of trafficking and 30 more children abused, in the next hour 120 more victims of human trafficking, and 360 more children abused. by tonight close to 8000 children would be abused of which 5 will die, and on a day. 2 880 people will be new victims of human trafficking a day of which 1000 will die within 7-14 days of their abduction. Human trafficking is now the higest criminal way of making money, it by passed drug trafficking in 2012. Child abuse has increased by 134% since the 80\’s both is now a world wide epidemic. The high jump in trafficking cases and child abuse cases and death of these victims, shows the lack of public knowledge. Educate yourself — learn the facts— it might safe a child or traffic victim-
Another well-timed blog! Spent the day w/my mom where I left feeling labeled and like I had to prove my worth and gain her approval. I wrestled after that visit b/w speaking truth to those parts that I\’ve been learning over the months vs letting the labels overtake me once again. lol…being at the crossroads is always an interesting place because it can go either way. While it was a fight, I chose to walk in that freedom (literally–a 3 mile prayer walk was so refreshing and filled w/perspective)! There is such unspeakable comfort and reassurances that we are enough when we run to God instead. It was such encouragement to read your words knowing that while this journey is messy, the freedom is worth it!
I LOVE what you said, \”This journey is messy, but freedom is worth it.\” YES. YES. YES!! I think we will always feel a little bit of pressure to gain approval from certain people in our lives…but, knowing that we are enough will help us because we won\’t depend on their affirmation to know our worth. It\’s super freeing to love others without being swayed by them!
Love this!