She would have been thirteen.
I just assume that I only make girls. Being a self-professed girly girl, I soak in all the sugar and spice. Fairy tales and make believe, chasing after dreams like clouds thinking if I jumped high enough I could hold them in my hand.
I haven’t thought about her in a while. But, for years thoughts of her consumed my waking moments and my dreams.
It was Christmas time; all was jolly and bright with the gentle mixture of fear. What would motherhood be like and would I be good at it? All I knew was that strong desire to mother was within and we would figure it out together. I would grow into motherhood with each breath she took.
Three days before Christmas something happened. I knew something was wrong, I began to miscarry a dream and a fragile life. I could see it every time I looked in the mirror, fear taunting me. I spent a few hours in an ER room longing to hear a heartbeat that was never meant to beat.
I pulled myself together, packed our gifts in the car, and said goodbye to my mother. All I really wanted was to stay there with her, but there was more family to be seen with Christmas days away. I tried my hardest to celebrate the birth of the baby that changed everything for me. And yet all I felt was heartache tinged with anger and questions. Why me?
A tiny cry that all of heaven celebrated, Immanuel, God with us. And even as my heart broke, He was with me unafraid of my questions. Never once did I feel Him condemning me. I just felt His all-consuming love.
I opened maternity gifts, I cradled the new life around me, and new additions to our family, and then I slipped upstairs to grieve without watching eyes. I laid down in the bed, pulled the covers over my head, and fell apart.
My mother-in-love followed me upstairs, sat next to me, and cried with me.
“It was our baby, too.”
I’ve never forgotten that moment or that feeling, but at times I have returned that same gift of just crying with those who are hurting.
I don’t know what you are experiencing right now, but I know so many of you are dealing with a loss of a loved one or maybe even a death of a dream. I pray that you find joy, deep joy, in this season and know that the God-child came wrapped in flesh so that we might identify with Him. His love caused Him to leave the comforts of heaven to die for our sins.
Because of the baby in a manger I have great joy and hope. I have experienced the pit of depression and have been awakened with greater joy in knowing that through pain God has a greater purpose in forming us into His likeness.
I have experienced healing and restoration in my body and received the joy of giving birth to two beautiful girls. But, I haven’t forgotten that Christmas filled with tears and how God met with me and cradled me through it all.
Someone sitting next to you might be swallowed up in grief, don’t let the awkwardness of not knowing what to say stop you from reaching out to them. They don’t need you to say the right thing, they just need to be seen and for you to acknowledge their pain. If we do anything at all praiseworthy this season, let it be the act of noticing others and reminding them that they haven’t been forgotten. Give that awkward hug and don’t pull away too soon. Send that email and love on someone with your words. Take back some of those gifts that you really don’t need and do something for someone else.
Don’t rush through this season caught up in the need to check things off your list. Slow down and look at people with eyes that have time to notice them and do whatever comes to you in that moment, be Spirit led.
So many this season have experienced loss and I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, of your pain, and if I could I would sit beside you and carry that pain with you and just cry. You are not forgotten.
My prayers and thoughts are with you. If you have a prayer request or maybe a testimony like mine, leave a comment so I can pray for you.
Much love,
Jennifer Renee
Photo by my friend, the talented Chelsea Rustad.
Breathtaking; I can feel the agony & sense the tears you must have cried. Thank you for being brave enough to share this here and to see beyond your own pain to comfort others. God Bless you and yours.
Thank you so much, Julie. I appreciate your comment so much.
Much love & blessings,
Jennifer
Wonderful! I always enjoy your blogs and comments Jennifer! Very inspiring!
Thank you, sweet Peggy!
I\’m am so sorry. I shouldn\’t have read this today… already feeling emotional and this pushed me over the edge. You\’ve really touched my heart. You have beautiful perspective and I\’ve been blessed. Thank you.
Oh, girl. I get it. I\’ve been wrecked by all the comments and have cried so much today. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Thinking of you and praying.
love,
Jennifer
First of all I want to thank you for taking the time to inspire people such as myself. My Mother passed away 11/25/14. She was/is my everything. She lived with me for the last 3 weeks of her life. I cared for her in ways she had cared for me when I was a baby. We formed such an amazing bond. At times I feel lost, weak, empty, and frightened to face life without her. I am a Christian and walk with the Lord daily but I am so frustrated. I feel at times I\’m joyful and stoked for her that she\’s in the heavenly mansion that I will one day have the pleasure of being in however, other times I\’m falling and can\’t seem to get up. I stand on the Lords words and promises so why am I doubting? Why am I frightened, when the only thing to fear is our Savior? I want to look at her pictures and feel the blessings I was given by being able to have her as my Mother. I want to smell her smells without falling to pieces. I asked the Lord for my Miracle when she was in the hospital and he gave that to me by allowing her to live with me despite other issues I faced. I\’m confused with feelings. I have two children, 7 and 10, who need me now more than ever. I question my worth in so many ways. I\’m a Sunday School teacher for 2-4 yr olds who need me as well. I treat this event as if I\’m the only one to have experienced it and then I think to myself how could I have ever not given those people…family, friends, aquaintenances, etc…the love and compassion they needed when facing something like this. I\’m so emotional in so many ways. Would love to hear from anyone on this. God Bless and Merry Christmas!
Jeanette,
I started bawling reading your comment. What a gift you were to your mother as you cared for her like no one else could. You honored her in such an amazing way. Please give yourself room to grieve without feeling guilty for it. Pain demands to be felt and this loss is recent and even if it wasn\’t…you would still have all those feelings. Everything that you have described is normal and nothing for you to beat yourself up about. God is not mad that you are doubtful at times or that it\’s hard to get out of bed sometimes, He understands and so do all the people who love you. Allow yourself room to not have it all together right now, lean on the ones who love you. We never fully understand grief until we have felt it and I promise you that you will feel a different kind of compassion for others because of this. And it\’s painful. I wish I could hug you and let you just be a mess and tell you not to feel bad about it. Just know that I am praying for you and will be praying for you this holiday season. I pray that joy will rush in at unexpected moments and for a peace that overwhelms you. Your comment has moved me so much that I\’ve read it several times, thank you for sharing your heart with me. You are not alone.
So much love to you.
Love,
Jennifer
Dear Jeanette, I too have had my mother go to Heaven. I understand the grief and the loss. The heartache. God created us, He gave us emotions. You will grieve. Just take one day at a time, sometimes minutes or hours at a time. God is sovereign and has a plan. You are here for a purpose and He will show you. He is our comforter and friend. If you become too depressed seek help from your physician.
With time you will be able focus on what is going on around you. You will not forget your mom. God blessed you with such love and that sweet bond and you will carry it in your heart. I know the longing to have a hug and smell mom. That is what our children get from us also. The Lord is near, so near. Day by day dear sister. I will be praying. Debbie
Jeanette, your comment here moved me. I want to just give you two things that came to mind.
First, remember that the only time in scripture that we\’re told that Jesus wept it was in the face of death and the suffering that it causes. See John chapter 11. If God-in-the-flesh would weep over this, as weak humans we should never feel wrong or ashamed at the enormous suffering that it causes in us.
Also, I recommend that you go to this page and read the poems of Annie Johnson Flint and her life story. http://www.homemakerscorner.com/annie.html Annie lost both her birth parents and both her adoptive parents and her only sister/sibling by a fairly young age. She also was disabled physically in her young adult years. From her poetry flows a sweet and healing fragrance that was pressed out of her deep suffering by the tender hand of the Lord. It has been a great comfort to me and to others. I hope it will be to you also.
Because Jesus loves you,
Mary Stephens
I hug Joy so tight sometimes she cries. I\’m so thankful that God allowed me to keep this one. I wonder about my others that never came to be. Her birthday is the 18th and she will be 2.
I am always hopeful around Christmas for some kind of Norman Rockwell rendition of a holiday, yet it seems to be the time of year we always lose someone in our family.
This year I grieve not only for the loss of my step dad, but for the loss of a little piece of my mom. She seems to have lost her Joy with the passing of her dear husband and I grieve for the bent and broken spirit my mother carries in her now. She is not the same without him. I am trying to hold it together for her and hug her and let her fall to pieces on me, but my own emotions are right under the surface of my skin and unexpectedly spill out on random unsuspecting people at the most inopportune moments. I\’m glad folks are giving me a little leighway.
Happy Christmas.
Kellie,
I\’m so sorry for your loss, I will be praying for your Mom and for you. I can\’t imagine how hard it is on you watching her grieve. You don\’t have to hold it all together, sweet friend. I will be lifting you up.
love,
Jennifer
Thank you for your beautiful words. It made me think of many people…my sweet Grandma passed away 8 years ago this month. She would have been 99 yrs old the day after Christmas. It made me think of my friend who lost her mom 5 years ago next week. And, another friend who has miscarried 2 babies this year. Praying for all those who are grieving for the first time or again during this season.
Kara,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment…I\’ve been overwhelmed by the pain others have shared with me today. So many hearts to pray for this season and it\’s so great to know others are doing the same thing by lifting others up.
Blessings to you this holiday season.
Jennifer
This is beautiful! I miscarried over Christmas eve and Christmas day 3 years ago and have miscarried twice since then. It is a pain that never goes away. Your words are so thoughtful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I know exactly how you are feeling and will be praying for you.
Jennifer, thanks so much for this post. Curiously, the Lord put the same subject on my mind this year too. I have been writing Christmas challenges for some years now to challenge Christians that celebrate Jesus\’ birth at this time of year to do so in a way that is more in keeping with the mind of Christ – what He would have then do in honor of His birth. This year my challenge was \”Seeing with Compassion\”. I posted a link to this post of yours as an example of how this looks in real life. I\’m so glad I found it. 🙂
Thank you so much, Mary! I\’m so glad you found my website & took the time to comment. I\’m so thrilled that you were able to link this post to help your readers. I love your challenge to see with compassion, so many layers to that thought. Blessings,
Jennifer
I immediately sent this to my mom-in-law. We had a very similar experience on Christmas three years ago after I miscarried. I had to sneak away and tried to hide in the restroom for a good cry. She was the only one that noticed me leaving. She followed me and just hugged me and cried with me. It was a such a hard time, but it brought us closer together. It changed her from mom-in-law to mom! Thank you for sharing!
Erica,
We are so blessed to have them, aren\’t we?! I\’m so sorry for your loss, but so glad you were not alone in your sorrow. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Much love,
Jennifer
I just love what you shared, especially your comments, \”Someone sitting next to you might be swallowed up in grief, don\’t let the awkwardness of not knowing what to say stop you from reaching out to them. They don\’t need you to say the right thing, they just need to be seen and for you to acknowledge their pain. If we do anything at all praiseworthy this season, let it be the act of noticing others and reminding them that they haven\’t been forgotten. Give that awkward hug and don\’t pull away too soon. Send that email and love on someone with your words.\’ When I first separated from my husband 7 years ago (we are now divorced), it hurt so much when the pastor\’s wife (who I thought was my friend) said, \”I don\’t know what to say to her, so I can\’t talk to her anymore\”. You nailed it… I just wanted to be seen. I was, and still am, so much more than just a separated/divorced woman. Yes, there was pain, but also so much more. Your messages always touch my heart. God has given you a profound gifting. Thank you so much for being so open and willing to share, and for following His leading.
Robyn,
Thank you so much for your kind words, you\’ve made my day! So blown away by your comment! I think being seen & noticed is such a big deal to all of us. And, to not be labeled by what has happened to us—I\’m so glad you know you are much more than that heartbreaking season. You are so worth it! Much love,
Jennifer